Purple Bow Tie

2011-06-05T11:17:00.001Z

What is it about the XBox 360 that attracts spammers? And will this post also attract spammers?

Mischievously,

PS Panda

2010-12-28T11:07:00.006Z

Happy post-Christmas, everyone.

Being a devout Bambooist I don't celebrate Christmas myself, but it amuses me to watch the humans spending all their money and making themselves sick on unsuitable comestibles. Go right ahead, I say, gorge yourselves to death and reduce the surplus population!

As often happens at this time of year, there has been a new arrival at Panda Towers and, I regret to say, he is not a Monochromist. Here he is:

He looks rather querulous, does he not? Fortunately this is not the case in real life and that mouth, that looks like it belongs to a long-term complainer, is actually yawning. He sleeps a lot, and so we have yet to engage in a conversation that lasts more than a sentence and a half.

I am sure we will get on increasingly famously as the days lengthen into Spring and there is more time to discuss matters of import to us both, and thereby discover common ground.

Optimistically,

PS Panda

Warning! Imposter!!

2010-01-12T10:12:00.002Z

It has come to my attention that there is someone calling himself @PSPanda who is posting, or tweeting or twittering or blathering or whatever it's called on twitter.com.

I have looked at his tweets and frankly they are not the kind of thing with which I would choose to be associated. Quite foul, in fact. I would urge you to unfriend or defollow or otherwise ignore this fraud.

Oh. Happy New Year.

Over and out,

PS Panda

I suppose you think that's funny

2010-01-06T11:43:00.001Z

Chillyly,

PS Panda

Happy Chrimbo

2009-12-23T14:24:00.001Z

Festively,

PS Panda

We Had A Party

2009-10-29T18:45:00.003Z

And the cake was yummy.

Chocolately,

PS Panda

It's That Time Of Year Again

2009-10-29T14:53:00.002Z

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear PS Panda,
Happy Birthday to me.

It needed to be said.

Anniversarily,

PS Panda

Words Fail Me

2009-09-22T12:39:00.001Z

Let pandas die out, says British naturalist.

And let the effing monkeys follow!

Spluttering,

PS Panda

The Nobility of Truffles Panda

2009-03-16T18:20:00.003Z

You'd never catch me putting up with this kind of thing:

Truffles Panda's soul is so big it has room for everyone, even Charlie Cat.

Both humbled and inspired,

PS Panda

Proud to present

2009-02-03T13:36:00.003Z

Truffles Kitten!

Here he is in company with his mentor, my dear friend Truffles Panda. Is he not a fine addition to the Monochrome Posse?

Beamingly,

PS Panda

Greetings, 2009!

2009-01-03T11:27:00.004Z

My, my, I have been lax and dilatory! Lax; in that I've not updated this blog since my birthday party and dilatory in announcing the New Year.

So, Happy New Year to all monochromists and also to our less fortunately endowed comrades! It looks like a tough year is coming for us pandas as the humans are talking of switching bamboo suppliers from Waitrose to Lidl. Now, I know you can get perfectly good provisions at bargain outlets, but even so! Don't they know how delicate a panda's digestive system is?

Never mind. On their heads be it - literally if it can be arranged. It doesn't seem so very long ago that we got regular consignments from Fortnums...

In happier news, a new companion has arrived, one year after my dear friend Truffles Panda first joined us. His label says his name is Bartlesham Polar Bear, but I will always think of him as John Blashford Snell Polar Bear. Here he is:

Don't you just love his scarf?

That's it for now. I've got to go and comfort Truffles Panda who is heartbroken at the thought of losing his beloved Tenth Doctor. Pointing out that there's still a year to go before he leaves the TARDIS for ever is giving him nothing in the way of consolation.

Supportively,

PS Panda

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-10-29T18:11:00.002Z

Some say the cake is a lie. I know better:

You can't see them in this photo, but all the Greater Pandas were there - Truffles, Herman, Montague, Valentine and, of course, me.

The cake was yummy.

Chocolatey-y,

PS Panda (Age 5)

Summer's Almost Gone

2008-09-01T09:43:00.003Z

As Jim Morrison once sung. Here to prove it is my great friend Valentine Panda, modelling one of this winter's most compelling styles:

As you can see, it's very warm and snug although perhaps a little constricting in the forepaw area. Never mind, Val! Fashion before function, eh?

Admiringly,

PS Panda

At Home with Hugo

2008-05-30T13:58:00.004Z

Or, rather at Hugo's ex-home. He's not here any more and nobody seems to know exactly where he's gone. I do hope it's somewhere nice. This is where he used to live:

I do hope he's more comfortable now.

Sheltered,

PS Panda

Godspeed Hugo Panda

2008-05-05T12:05:00.003Z

I'd like to take the opportunity to sing the praises of my friend Hugo Panda, who has left us to go to a Better Place. Here's a photo of him with some of his little friends:

I'm sorry to say that he spent the last year or two in a cupboard, which the monkeys euphemistically referred to as Hugo's Room. But now he has gone to a shop in Lincolnshire where we hope that he will meet some nice kind little pandas and be able to be kind to them in his turn.

Ave atque vale, Hugo!

Inspired,

PS Panda

Next time....

2008-04-19T13:14:00.001Z

I'm using the laser screwdriver!

Challenged,

PS Panda

It's Party Time!

2008-04-19T12:55:00.003Z

Truffles and I hit the booze...

Merrily,

PS Panda

Oh Johnny!

2008-04-11T16:31:00.001Z

Truffles is ecstatic about this, but also rather jealous:

Torchwood star's in time to save friends.

Admiringly,

PS Panda

Very Sad News

2008-04-05T15:44:00.000Z

Truffles Panda is hurt! I thought something was wrong with him last night, but I put it down to excitement over Simon Russell Beale's show and the devastating Torchwood finale.

But this morning it all became clear. Truffles has an open seam! In his right foreleg!! And it hurts him!!!

He goes under the needle tomorrow. Please, if you can, spare a thought for him and his pain.

Distressed,

PS Panda

RustyMania!

2008-04-04T09:59:00.003Z

Truffles and his blankie have bagged the prime position on the sofa. He says he does not intend to miss the season finale of Torchwood tonight, not the kickoff of Doctor Who tomorrow. He'll be trawling Youtube for old episodes of Queer as Folk next...

Bemused,

PS Panda

This Is Ridiculous!

2008-03-26T12:40:00.003Z

China uses panda porn and sexercise to increase population of national icon

I have no trouble at all with the laydeez, thank you very much.

Outraged,

PS Panda

Where were you?

2008-03-18T11:08:00.003Z

Truffles and I sat up all last night in front of the television, waiting for John Barrowman to come on. Truffles is his biggest fan, apparently.

Well he didn't, which was rather disappointing. We did, however, buy some great fitness apparatus, a nifty Slazenger watch, a globe of the world made of semi-precious minerals and a 10-CD set containing 120 sensational power ballads.

I hope the humans are pleased.

Goggle-eyed,

PS Panda

How Very Useful!

2008-03-13T09:44:00.004Z

The female human has acquired a new electronic device. As you can see, I have pressed it into use as a means of adjusting my toilette and checking up on my grooming.

Self-admiringly,

PS Panda

A new friend

2008-03-11T12:23:00.004Z

Let me introduce Truffles Panda:

Isn't he cuddly? Here we are, cuddling:

I think we're going to be great chums. And please; nobody say the L-word....

Hopefully,

PS Panda

Rowan Williams - Barking Mad

2008-02-08T11:58:00.000Z

I used to think that Cantuar had at least half a functioning brain. But this is just plain silly.

I'm not against Sharia courts as such. We don't have such things here in Wolong, so they don't bother me. No, it's ecclesiastical courts of any kind that get right up my bamboo chute. I suppose it's no surprise that a Lord Spiritual should want to grab himself some Temporal power, but honestly!

Oxford Martyrs, Rowan. Remember?
Spanish Inquisition ring a bell?

Cross,

PS Panda

Pandora's Metal Box Reported to Consumer Direct

2008-02-02T13:48:00.000Z

Worrying news from the humans!

It seems they ordered some stuff from this outfit in Nottingham:

Pandora's Box
Top Floor
17-19 Long Row
Nottingham
NG1 2DH

tel: 0115 959 9394

well before Christmas last year, but nothing's turned up and Pandora's Box aren't responding to queries.

It's enough to make a panda quite worried, especially as I was thinking how hard I'd look in a Slipknot hoodie. I don't think I'll be ordering any stuff from Pandora, even though their website at www.pandorasmetalbox.co.uk is still open for business and taking payments.

I think the humans are very wise to report them to www.consumerdirect.gov.uk. Let's hope there's a happy outcome. It's no fun having upset humans on the premises :(

Thrashingly,

PS Panda

Quite Ridiculous!

2007-08-29T10:23:00.000Z

Did you ever see anything so daft?

Puzzled,

PS Panda

On The Telly

2007-08-08T21:19:00.001Z

It's not often you get to see us monochromists on TV, so it was nice to catch a whole hour's worth tonight:

Yes, I know, there are penguins all the time. Penguins, penguins, penguins. Yawn.

(Mostly) Thrilled

PS Panda

August's PotM

2007-08-05T16:36:00.000Z

Here he is. I think he's scratching his back, but it's possible that he's actually conducting one of the Mystic Paw Contemplations Of Zen.

Warmly,

PS Panda

Agony

2007-08-04T17:54:00.000Z

I received this cri de coeur in the post this morning. I would like to share it with you as it touches on a delicate matter which affects all of us from time to time. I have changed some names in the interest of discretion.

Dear PS Panda,

I have lately been suffering from the most terrible attacks of wind which have frightened off the neighbours and made my part of the forest lonely and uninhabitable. What should I do?

Close to despair,

Trumpeting Panda

Dear TP,

You have my deepest sympathy in your affliction. The panda gut is a sensitive organ and easily upset, particularly if there has been a change of diet.

May I ask you - have you altered your dietary habits recently? Especially, have you been tempted to switch to a cheaper brand of sausage?

Times are hard, I know, and the lure of the budget sausage is difficult to resist when your purse is light and your stomach empty. But, believe me, the false economy of purchasing a cheap sausage is exactly that - false. Even expensive wurst and choriso contain ingredients of less than premium quality. So much more so is it when we consider the low-quality end of the market. You would blench if you knew the least of it!

Inflation is the price we all must pay for living in a consumer economy - but inflation of the inwards is, fortunately, completely avoidable. Stick to a good quality Cumberland or Lincolnshire sausage from a reputable manufacturer and all will soon be well and you will once more be able to take your rightful place in panda society.

Do let me know how you get on.

Healthily,

PS Panda

July's Panda Of The Month

2007-07-21T17:54:00.000Z

Isn't he handsome! And so contented.

Pleased,

PS Panda

My Shame

2007-07-21T11:55:00.000Z

I have a terrible confession to make.

Soon.

With contrition,

PS Panda

I'm back!!!!

2007-07-20T18:23:00.000Z

It took a while and I had to jump through quite a few Google hoops to get here but hallelujah!!!

Delightedly,

PS Panda

OMFG!!11!!!11!1

2007-03-09T14:12:00.000Z

This makes me very happy:

Whereas this unfortunate tale fills my eyes with the waters of deep sorrow: The Lost Paw

Niu Niu, I'm here for you you.

Both Delighted and Distressed,

PS Panda

A New Chum

2007-02-07T14:33:00.000Z

A new friend arrived here yesterday. His name is Montague Egg Panda. Here we are:

As you can see, he is a panda of stature, if not quite the same calibre as myself. He seems to be be a most sensible creature and to possess a strong character. I'm sure we'll get on very well together.

Welcomingly,

PS Panda

This Is War

2007-01-21T12:26:00.000Z

And in war there are casualties:

All Hail The Glorious Dead!

Jubilant In Sacrifice,

PS Panda

A Phoney War?

2007-01-06T10:08:00.000Z

Don't you believe it, mate!

Craftily,

PS Panda

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T10:50:00.000Z

As I'm sure you realise, we pandas celebrate the Chinese New Year, not the Western one; but all the same, Happy New Year to all my friends.

And to the rest of you; I see two futures. One is full of peace and light, the other is dark with bloodstained fur and sightless, splintered eyes.

Your choice, Brown Bears! Saunter in the sun or grovel in the gloom - it is up to you. There is only one way you can earn a Happy New Year of your own:

Free Lupin!

And now on a more cheerful note, here is January's Panda Of The Month:

Isn't he appealing? That's how I want Lupin to look when he grows up.

Yours in monochrome,

PS Panda

Ooh! Oooh!! Ooooh!!!

2006-12-29T10:15:00.000Z

Look! Do you see what I see?

Could it be possible? I'm nearly sure... those ears... that nose... those beautiful eyes...

Don't you think it could be Him? And that he's escaped his cruel captivity?

I'm bouncing off the walls, I'm so excited! I'm going exploring now!

So excited,

PS Panda

Paffeh'ik Loosahs

2006-12-27T11:21:00.000Z

Look at this:

Did you ever see anything so childish? So dirty-minded? So totally lacking in wit, humour or guile?

They're dead, and they don't even know it yet.

Scornfully,

PS Panda

It's Traditional, I suppose

2006-12-26T11:29:00.000Z

So I'm tolerating a Christmas Truce this year. Enjoy it while you can, Brown Bears! The coming twelve months will be long, arduous and bloody.

And you will lose.

Resolute as ever,

PS Panda

I've Done All My Christmas Shopping

2006-12-24T09:20:00.000Z

Yes, I just got a delivery of AK47s from eBay. All my friends are getting one tomorrow. All my enemies are getting a bullet (or two) in the head the day after.

Ho, ho, ho!

Belligerently,

PS Panda

Brrrr!

2006-12-22T09:50:00.000Z

It's jolly well freezing here and I don't appreciate it.

I hope Lupin is somewhere warm. I sometimes wonder if I'm not losing sight of him altogether.

Wistful yet cold,

PS Panda

Good Morning!

2006-12-21T18:55:00.000Z

Ah, yes, hello. Where was I? Oh yes, that's right. Leading a campaign. That's what it was.

Well good. Yes. Er. I ain't scared of no brown bear. Put 'em in the microwave, that's what I say!

Ha-ha!

Anyway, we had a jolly good recruitment party last night. The bamboo wine flowed like, er, wine. Jolly Good.

Here's a picture of our latest warrior, Captain Puffin. Big up the respect, my bro's.

Time for more sausage stew. Right on. Let the challenge begin!

Good.

PS Panda

An Absolute Bloody Disgrace

2006-12-20T11:19:00.000Z

My Friends,

You will remember yesterday's heartbreaking announcement of the loss of MN Panda. You wept with me, I am sure, at his sad fate.

Your tears, my loyal comrades, were all in vain. Please sit down on your bottoms while I reveal the shocking truth behind the news.

Here is a photo that was taken not fifteen minutes before the ghastly image I published yesterday:

Yes - you have guessed it. MN Panda was not gone before. He had not Fallen, a hero to the Cause.

He was sodden drunk.

And when he was dragged from the undergrowth and revived all he could say was, "I am Mister New Panda. This is what I do."

Well, I ask you! I had thought he was solid. I believed in him. But yet - look closer. Do you not see traces of brown about him? Does he not lack purity of monochromicity? Is he not, in fact, a mongrel?

I should have known.

Disgusted,

PS Panda

Greater Love Hath No Panda

2006-12-19T14:56:00.000Z

But That He Lay Down His Life In Support Of The Cause.

MN Panda, We Honour You and Your Sacrifice. We Will Never Forget You.

And we will never cease from hunting down those who have done this dreadful deed. Crawl in fear, Brown Bears! Your Doom is near and comes daily closer.

Sorrowful, Yet Strong,

PS Panda

The Time Has Come

2006-12-18T15:42:00.000Z

Yes, my comrades, at last we are ready to strike a blow for Black And White!

Many of you have already guessed the nature of our enemy. Some of you may not. Some of you may have an idea of his name. Most of you, I suspect, have not.

So let me open my heart to you. Let me share the secret that has been vouchsafed to me.

It was little more than a week ago - a mere twelve days - as I lay sleepless in my den, tossing and turning, tormented by thoughts of the sufferings my beautiful Lupin was undergoing at the paws of his captors, that I was the recipient of a Holy Vision. A Voice spake in my ear, and my eyes saw clearly and were not blinded by the Glory Of The Highest. The Voice spake unto me a Name, and mine Eyes received an Image.

Are you prepared? Do you see clearly? Is your hearing also acute? Then here is the information you have been craving:

This is he whom we seek:

Mark this visage well. Note the vicious criminal cast of its features. Seek it out, even as it repels you with its gross ugliness. And know ye this name:

UNCLE FRED BEAR

Yes, it sounds innocent, does it not? So too, no doubt, did the name of Professor Moriarty strike the unschooled masses of Sherlock Holmes' London. But be not deceived. Just as Moriarty was the Napoleon Of Crime, so is this... bear the worst, the most evil, the most depraved of creatures. Seek him out, I say, for where he is will you also find the jewel in the crown of Pandadom - dear Lupin himself.

Be careful, my friends, for this animal is cunning and crafty in the ways of his kind. He will try to fool you with honeyed words. He will dissemble and pretend innocence. But you, I know, will see through his every stratagem and divine the wickedness that writhes and coils within his perverted mind.

Now go forth! My trust is in you. My thoughts will follow you wherever you go; yeah, even unto the darkest places of the deepest depths of brown bear depravity.

I am praying for you constantly,

PS Panda

PURPLEBOWTIE SPECIAL - THE RALLY

2006-12-17T15:41:00.000Z

You will have read PS Panda's inspiring address to his people. Now, only on purplebowtie.com, here are dramatic photographs of this epoch-making event, brought to you in glorious monochrome!

We hear you, PS Panda!

All our ears are yours, beloved PSP!

The Honour Guard

Adoration Of The Young Pandas

Our Great Leader, Blessed Be His Name

If the Pandas are United,
They will never,
Be divided!!!

All Hail PS Panda!

This Is Not My Fault

2006-12-16T14:50:00.000Z

I did not order this act. Let that be clearly understood.

However, it is no surprise to me that some members of the Monochrome Brigade, fired with righteous anger, have decided to, completely on their own initiative of course, strike a telling blow against our enemy. I am sure that you all can find that anger
within your own hearts and feel its blazing heat surging through your veins. I am sure that many of you rejoice to see a foe suffer the consequences of his fellows' evil deeds.

We all want vengeance. We share a common purpose. But wait, my friends. Soon I will make our strategy crystal clear to all. Soon I will name our target. Soon we will move forward.

But we will move united, my friends. We will strike when the time is right, and not before.

Resolute,

PS Panda

No Chance!

2006-12-13T15:51:00.000Z

I received this pathetic little epistle today:

Orl rite. Ave it ur way. He's not worf nuffink much anyway. A tennor and teh brat's yrs.

Too bloody late, sunshine! We're going to save Lupin AND whup your poo-encrusted tails till it hurts.

Vengefully,

PS Panda

Traitor!

2006-12-12T18:53:00.000Z

Valentine Panda, I thought you were my friend.

Then my attention was drawn to the message you posted here while I was busy working towards the liberation of Lupin Panda.

I am ashamed of you. I thought we were solid. I trusted you. I thought we could trust one another. But this - this is too much. Let your punishment serve to warn our enemies AND our fair-weather friends. May your pain and despair serve due notice. We are Black And White. We will NOT be defeated.

Disgusted,

PS Panda

On The Brink

2006-12-11T18:18:00.000Z

Valentine Panda here,

PS Panda has gone out to a rally. He is addressing the Monochrome Brigade at a secret location not far from here.

I should have gone with my friend; to stand next to him, to confirm my allegiance, to proclaim my pride in my black and white fur.

But... I cannot. Something is wrong - something to which I cannot yet give a name. I feel a deep unease, as if I were standing on the edge of an invisible precipice.

We all may make a mis-step and, so doing, fall to our doom and the destruction of our very souls.

Very worried,

Valentine Panda

The Movement Is Growing

2006-12-10T11:36:00.000Z

Thank you to our southern friends for this message of support:

I couldn't have put it better myself!

Encouraged,

PS Panda

We Are Not Alone

2006-12-09T13:53:00.000Z

Messages of support are starting to flood in. Here is just one that is typical of the many we have received:

"It is high time that someone spoke up for the monochrome community. We have been polite and subservient for much too long. It is time for action and we of the Polar Bear Nation are proud to join with our black and white comrades. La Lutte Continua!"

(signed)

Saskia Polar Bear

Our Manifest Destiny

2006-12-08T09:17:00.000Z

Greetings, My Friends!

Yes, I count all of you who read this journal as my friends, with some exceptions which I will come to presently.

You know of the ongoing tragedy of Lupin Panda. You have shuddered with fear and disgust as the story of his disappearance unfolded before you and I.

You have been appalled at the outrageous demands made by his cubnappers. I must pause at this point to thank all those who have contributed to Lupin Panda's rescue fund. The offer of Greek currency was especially welcome.

You have been shaken to your very souls by the obscene photographs which I have received and, only after very careful thought, published in this journal. I make no apology for the horror you and your loved ones must have felt when you beheld them. There is such a thing as brutal reality. There is such a thing as naked evil. There is, my friends, such a thing as cruelty beyond belief.

We cannot spend all our lives in the dreamtime. WE MUST AWAKE!

I know that the revelation I am going to pass on to you will shock and alarm you. I make no apology for that either. Instead, let me ask you a question. What links us all?

The orca, roaming his northern seas?
The penguin, in his Antarctic home?
The jackdaw, cawing in his English skies?
The puffin, clustered on his Caledonian isle?
The zebra, tribal-strong under an African heaven of cerulean blue?
The Holstein cow, gravid with nourishment in a misty Hampshire meadow?
And the giant panda, serene in his grove of succulent bamboo?

I am sure that you have divined my meaning. We are, all of us, proud in our blazure of black and white. We all salute the Sacred Cross of Saint Piran. We are the smartest, the most self-assured, the most hard-working, the most beautiful of all the creatures on this earth.

And we know who our enemies are.

They are among us. They are everywhere we go. We know them, for they are not like us. They envy us, my friends. How can they look upon our glory and not be jealous of us?

They carry a hatred in their hearts. It is a canker that will not die. They are ever seeking ways to do us down.

And so they have reached into the soul of our monochrome community and taken from it our most precious jewel. Lupin Panda - my beloved Lupin.

Do I need to spell it out? Do I need to go any further? I think not. We all know our foe; who he is and where he lives. We can smell him.

Go forth, my friends! There is a battle to be fought; and a glorious victory to be won!

It Won't Be Long Now

2006-12-07T08:19:00.000Z

Hang on Lupin! Help is at paw.

Prepared,

PS Panda

I've Been Thinking

2006-12-06T10:26:00.000Z

Val Panda says I should try not to let the plight of poor dear Lupin dominate my thoughts but I can't do that. I just can't.

I've had a lot of time to think; while sitting on the bus or in the quiet hours of the early morning. And slowly, quietly, but insistently a tiny suspicion has hardened up and become a certainty.

You see, I know who has taken Lupin from me. I know it for an absolute fact. It is a diamond-hard glittering truth in my mind.

And now I know who is to blame for this terrible crime I am ready to take action. Whatever it takes, I will do it. I have no fear.

Increasingly incandescent,

PS Panda

Don't Give Up

2006-12-05T08:42:00.000Z

Dearest PSP,

Lupin Panda here. This is just a quick note to let you know that I am well and looking forward to seeing you again soon.

I am being well treated, but it is cold and lonely and boring here and I want my big cuddly PS Panda very badly.

All my love,

Lupin Panda

This Is Awful

2006-12-04T13:45:00.000Z

Valentine Panda here. PS Panda is having hysterics. I think he's entering a fugue state. And all because someone slipped this photo under the door:

How could anybody be so heartless?

Deeply upset,

Valentine Panda

Keeping Positive

2006-12-04T09:36:00.000Z

Could it be? Yes it could,
Something's coming, something good...

I can feel it in my water. I'm working hard, I'm saving steadily, and soon I'll have enough money to rescue dear Lupin from his kidnappers.

Maybe this week!

In anticipation,

PS Panda

Up

2006-12-02T14:32:00.000Z

I feel quite unreasonably positive and optimistic today. I don't don't why.

Oh. That's got me worried.

Uncertain,

PS Panda

All Is Not Yet Lost

2006-12-01T12:12:00.000Z

I received this picture in the post just before I set out for my job:

So now I know Lupin was alive on Wednesday. It's such a relief. Do you think he looks all right? I worry that he isn't eating properly. Just keep on keeping on; that's what I tell myself. And Lupin - we'll be together again soon, I promise!

Reassured,

PS Panda

He's Doing His Best

2006-11-28T10:39:00.000Z

Hello,

Valentine here, speaking for PSP. He can't be here today because he's out working to try to make enough money to save poor little Lupin Panda from his kidnappers.

PSP was up at 04:00 this morning on his paper round and now he's gone out to his day job stacking shelves at Iceland in Reading. He'll be doing a full shift of bar work this evening.

I'm sure you'll understand and be inspired by PSP's devotion to his friend. I would also like to add that if you could find it in your hearts to contribute any financial help you can afford in this time of trial you would earn the undying gratitude of all Pandakind.

Yours ever,

Valentine Panda

I Feel Sick To My Stomach

2006-11-27T14:58:00.000Z

Just look at what came in the post this morning:

Hang on, Lupin. I'm doing all I can to save you.

With gritted teeth,

PS Panda

I Surrender

2006-11-27T10:22:00.000Z

All right. I'll see what I can do. But you've got to give me time. I'll get the money even if I have to sell myself in the Market Place to do it.

Hold on, Lupin!

Determinedly,

PS Panda

No! No!! NO!!!

2006-11-26T13:26:00.000Z

I'm haven't got fifty pounds. I don't know where to find fifty pounds. What can I do?

Please be merciful.

Distraught,

PS Panda

No News

2006-11-25T09:05:00.000Z

The title says it all.

Uninformed,

PS Panda

2006-11-22T11:48:00.000Z

Please, has anybody seen this panda?

He's only a cub. He's young and vulnerable and I'm becoming frightened about him.

If you have seen this panda, please please please let me know. And Lupin, if you read this - come home. Nobody is cross with you. We only want to know that you are safe.

Increasingly frantic,

PS Panda

Lost?

2006-11-22T10:28:00.000Z

Where is Lupin? I haven't seen him for a couple of days. I do hope nothing has happened...

Slightly uneasy,

PS Panda

Dear Lupin

2006-11-19T21:02:00.000Z

As the days pass I find I'm getting to like young Lupin Panda more and more. He's such a cheerful little chap.

Affectionately,

PS Panda

Quack? Cluck?? Squawk???

2006-11-18T11:38:00.000Z

They came back this morning with an object. It's small, soft, yellow and white, and it's got what I think is known in common parlance as a beak though it hasn't (as yet) said anything.

They've been maundering on about a tortoise or, at any rate, someone called Shelley who apparently was married to someone who wrote a novel which sounds a bit Gothick. Or thick, anyway.

Perplexed,

PS Panda

Hoorah! Hooray!

2006-11-17T16:43:00.000Z

A new panda has come to stay!

His name is Lupin Panda, and he's only little and he's from Korea.

I can't wait to make friends with him!

Excitedly,

PS Panda

Brutes!

2006-11-15T07:34:00.000Z

They - I'm sure you know who I mean - have been to see my friend Hugo Panda and, by all accounts, they weren't very nice to him.

He says, and I see no reason to disbelieve him, that at one point they picked him up by his ears. And nearly let him fall downstairs. And bamboo knows what else.

Is there no limit to monkey cruelty?

Perturbed,

PS Panda

What's Going On?

2006-11-11T14:12:00.000Z

The humans came back from Bracknell this morning with a mysterious carrier bag. They looked at me, chattered and giggled in that silly monkey way they have, and then hid the bag in the top of the wardrobe.

They think I can't reach that high. Let's just let them carry on thinking that, shall we?

Investigatorily,

PS Panda

Imaginary Me

2006-11-10T03:04:00.000Z

I'm going virtual today. Look out for me in the cybersphere.

Phantasmagorically,

PS Panda

What Smashing Weather!

2006-11-06T19:28:00.000Z

It's so sunny and warm I nearly got out the lounger and caught myself some rays.

But I didn't. A good thing really, as I don't want my white fur to turn brown.

Cautiously,

PS Panda

Ding-Dong

2006-11-05T09:30:00.000Z

I can hear the bells of All Saints church ringing, even though the den windows are closed against a chilly morning.

It's a cheerful sound, although of no direct significance to a Buddhist-Confucian-Zoroastrian-Sausageist such as myself.

Ecumenically,

PS Panda

The Joy Of Blogging

2006-11-04T12:18:00.000Z

I've become aware that I'm meant to be saying things like:

"OMFG!1!!!!! PANDA'S ARE FTW!!!!1 TEH MONKIES SUK ROX!1!11! STFU!!!1!"

Or:

"My life is liek meaningless. Blackness covers all. I hate my 'rents."

Apparently this is what blogs are for.

But I don't think I will. Move along now. Nothing to see here.

Unorthodoxly,

PS Panda

Too Fat To Fight

2006-11-03T21:30:00.000Z

I read that the army, faced with increasingly obese wannabe recruits, has raised its entry BMI limit from 28 to 32.

It's a good thing I never applied to join the Royal Greenjackets. I'd have been altogether the wrong shape for the ranks even though I am, I'm sure you'll agree, a fine figure of a panda.

Ponderously,

PS Panda

What Am I Listening To Today?

2006-11-02T16:36:00.000Z

I'm in a vinyl mood, it seems, and I've decided I'd like to hear some 80s art-rock, in the form of Japan's Tin Drum.

It's groovy stuff, full of rattly percussion, smooth fretless bass, innovative Prophet 5 polysynth sounds and the voice of the most beautiful man in England - David Sylvian. He really knows what to do with a pair of chopsticks!

Funkily,

PS Panda

A Badge Of Honour?

2006-11-02T08:51:00.000Z

I read this morning that the award of an Anti Social Behaviour Order (ASBO) is regarded by the anthropoid youth as a necessary rite of passage on the path to full-blown monkeyhood.

Pah! The branch-swingers don't know they're born. All they know how to do is run around shouting, get hammered on Special Brew, pee on the wall and have their collars felt. Me, I've stood on my forepaws and marked my territory in hundreds of places and never been had up over it.

Who's smarter, eh? You, for getting caught, or me for getting away with it?

Smugly,

PS Panda

What Am I Reading Today?

2006-11-01T18:24:00.000Z

Here I am, absorbing the latest volume of dear Uncle Alan Bennetts's memoirs. It's quite good, although I'm not sure I understand it all. I don't know if this is because I've never been to Oxbridge or whether I should have been born in Leeds.

Wryly,

PS Panda

Not At All Scary

2006-10-31T22:22:00.000Z

Nobody knocked on the door of my den tonight and demanded sweets in exchange for not frightening me.

Why on earth not? Is it that they know I don't frighten easily?

Puzzled,

PS Panda

The Price Of Liberty

2006-10-31T08:56:00.000Z

My friend Val says if you've nothing to hide you've nothing to fear and he doesn't mind my hanging out with him and sharing his secrets.

He still won't tell me where he keeps his cache of sausages, though.

Suspiciously,

PS Panda

Behave Yourselves

2006-10-30T16:28:00.000Z

Or I'm sending the boys round:

Your friendly neighbourhood,

PS Panda

Not A Good Night

2006-10-30T07:34:00.000Z

I ended up on the floor again. It was hard and cold. I suppose they thought I wouldn't mind.

Stiffly,

PS Panda

In Despair

2006-10-29T23:31:00.000Z

It's past 11 o'clock and nothing has happened. Obviously nothing is going to happen. I could crawl away into a corner and cry, but what good would that do? The situation has gone beyond tears. I have never felt so unwanted in my life, not even when I was sitting on Texaco's shelf.

Bitterly disappointed,

PS Panda

Well?

2006-10-29T21:41:00.000Z

I'm losing patience.

Come on humans, cough up. Card. Present. Party. Now.

Warningly,

PS Panda

Still Waiting

2006-10-29T19:58:00.000Z

I'm getting a little anxious. Where are my cards? Where are my presents? And where, oh where, is my party?

Worried,

PS Panda

Three At Last

2006-10-29T12:31:00.000Z

Oh frabjous day, calloo, callay,
This Sunday is my third birthday!

Let rejoicing be universal! Free sausages for all! Set up the jelly and custard fountains! Fun, fun, fun!

But... why haven't I received any cards yet? Or presents?

Possibly my presents will turn up later. After all, I am already extremely privileged in so far as this special day of mine is special in another way, being twenty-five hours long. Very appropriate I think, as it takes a wider span than usual to accommodate my generously expansive figure. Do my humans realise this? Are they doing anything about it? Taking action, as it were, action being the very thing these busy monkeys are so proud of (and about which they are so condescending to me and my brothers and sisters).

We shall see. We shall see.

In anticipation,

PS Panda

My Family

2006-10-28T10:23:00.000Z

Good Saturday, humans and bears!

Although this is a blog - and blogs are traditionally (if such a word can be used of so new a medium even though the form it strives to replace - the diary - is ages old) places of self-revelation, not to mention angst - it is not my intention to spill all the beans, as it were (and beans do not, at any rate, form a regular part of my diet, excessive flatulence being one of the rather less welcome parts of the ursine genetic inheritance) by laying out my life on a plate, so to speak, for you to consume - or not - at your leisure.

So, dear readers, I am not about to expound autobiographically on my cubhood (which, were it only more widely known, is still only three-quarters run) or pass on titbits or, you might say, gobbets of information about my parents, relations and ancestors.

Instead, let me show you a family photo - which is to say a photo of a member of my family rather than the whole shebang which would, after all, be rather too large to fit on the computer screen which one might reasonably expect to find on the desk of any respectable home, or den. No; rather than that I would like to set out more modestly, with a picture of one of my many cousins:

Yes, I'm aware that my graceful form also features in this photo. I can assure you that the reason for this is perfectly simple and straightforward and that I am not - and have never been - an egotist. The subject of eggs is one that is quite foreign to me. It is simply to assure you that my red bow tied friend is indeed an acquaintance of mine and not some poor random creature snatched from his forest home by a ruthless wildlife photographer.

I shall not object in the slightest if you decide to adorn your escritoire or armoire with a copy of my photograph. In fact, I should be more than happy to furnish you with my autograph on request. Not for nothing are we pandas equipped with an opposed thumb! If not, of course, for the holding of pens, pencils or other scribing tools.

With my very best wishes,

PS Panda

Greetings!

2006-10-27T09:58:00.000Z

And welcome! More will surely follow. Meanwhile you can admire my photo. Gosh, I'm good-looking!

Your own,

PS Panda