He's Doing His Best

Hello,

Valentine here, speaking for PSP. He can't be here today because he's out working to try to make enough money to save poor little Lupin Panda from his kidnappers.

PSP was up at 04:00 this morning on his paper round and now he's gone out to his day job stacking shelves at Iceland in Reading. He'll be doing a full shift of bar work this evening.

I'm sure you'll understand and be inspired by PSP's devotion to his friend. I would also like to add that if you could find it in your hearts to contribute any financial help you can afford in this time of trial you would earn the undying gratitude of all Pandakind.

Yours ever,

Valentine Panda

I Feel Sick To My Stomach

Just look at what came in the post this morning:


Hang on, Lupin. I'm doing all I can to save you.

With gritted teeth,

PS Panda

I Surrender

All right. I'll see what I can do. But you've got to give me time. I'll get the money even if I have to sell myself in the Market Place to do it.

Hold on, Lupin!

Determinedly,

PS Panda

No! No!! NO!!!

I'm haven't got fifty pounds. I don't know where to find fifty pounds. What can I do?

Please be merciful.

Distraught,

PS Panda

No News

The title says it all.

Uninformed,

PS Panda

Please, has anybody seen this panda?

He's only a cub. He's young and vulnerable and I'm becoming frightened about him.

If you have seen this panda, please please please let me know. And Lupin, if you read this - come home. Nobody is cross with you. We only want to know that you are safe.

Increasingly frantic,

PS Panda

Lost?

Where is Lupin? I haven't seen him for a couple of days. I do hope nothing has happened...

Slightly uneasy,

PS Panda

Dear Lupin

As the days pass I find I'm getting to like young Lupin Panda more and more. He's such a cheerful little chap.

Affectionately,

PS Panda

Quack? Cluck?? Squawk???

They came back this morning with an object. It's small, soft, yellow and white, and it's got what I think is known in common parlance as a beak though it hasn't (as yet) said anything.

They've been maundering on about a tortoise or, at any rate, someone called Shelley who apparently was married to someone who wrote a novel which sounds a bit Gothick. Or thick, anyway.

Perplexed,

PS Panda

Hoorah! Hooray!

A new panda has come to stay!

His name is Lupin Panda, and he's only little and he's from Korea.

I can't wait to make friends with him!

Excitedly,

PS Panda

Brutes!

They - I'm sure you know who I mean - have been to see my friend Hugo Panda and, by all accounts, they weren't very nice to him.

He says, and I see no reason to disbelieve him, that at one point they picked him up by his ears. And nearly let him fall downstairs. And bamboo knows what else.

Is there no limit to monkey cruelty?

Perturbed,

PS Panda

What's Going On?

The humans came back from Bracknell this morning with a mysterious carrier bag. They looked at me, chattered and giggled in that silly monkey way they have, and then hid the bag in the top of the wardrobe.

They think I can't reach that high. Let's just let them carry on thinking that, shall we?

Investigatorily,

PS Panda

Imaginary Me

I'm going virtual today. Look out for me in the cybersphere.

Phantasmagorically,

PS Panda

What Smashing Weather!

It's so sunny and warm I nearly got out the lounger and caught myself some rays.

But I didn't. A good thing really, as I don't want my white fur to turn brown.

Cautiously,

PS Panda

Ding-Dong

I can hear the bells of All Saints church ringing, even though the den windows are closed against a chilly morning.

It's a cheerful sound, although of no direct significance to a Buddhist-Confucian-Zoroastrian-Sausageist such as myself.

Ecumenically,

PS Panda

The Joy Of Blogging

I've become aware that I'm meant to be saying things like:

"OMFG!1!!!!! PANDA'S ARE FTW!!!!1 TEH MONKIES SUK ROX!1!11! STFU!!!1!"

Or:

"My life is liek meaningless. Blackness covers all. I hate my 'rents."

Apparently this is what blogs are for.

But I don't think I will. Move along now. Nothing to see here.

Unorthodoxly,

PS Panda

Too Fat To Fight

I read that the army, faced with increasingly obese wannabe recruits, has raised its entry BMI limit from 28 to 32.

It's a good thing I never applied to join the Royal Greenjackets. I'd have been altogether the wrong shape for the ranks even though I am, I'm sure you'll agree, a fine figure of a panda.

Ponderously,

PS Panda

What Am I Listening To Today?

I'm in a vinyl mood, it seems, and I've decided I'd like to hear some 80s art-rock, in the form of Japan's Tin Drum.

It's groovy stuff, full of rattly percussion, smooth fretless bass, innovative Prophet 5 polysynth sounds and the voice of the most beautiful man in England - David Sylvian. He really knows what to do with a pair of chopsticks!

Funkily,

PS Panda

A Badge Of Honour?

I read this morning that the award of an Anti Social Behaviour Order (ASBO) is regarded by the anthropoid youth as a necessary rite of passage on the path to full-blown monkeyhood.

Pah! The branch-swingers don't know they're born. All they know how to do is run around shouting, get hammered on Special Brew, pee on the wall and have their collars felt. Me, I've stood on my forepaws and marked my territory in hundreds of places and never been had up over it.

Who's smarter, eh? You, for getting caught, or me for getting away with it?

Smugly,

PS Panda

What Am I Reading Today?

Here I am, absorbing the latest volume of dear Uncle Alan Bennetts's memoirs. It's quite good, although I'm not sure I understand it all. I don't know if this is because I've never been to Oxbridge or whether I should have been born in Leeds.

Wryly,

PS Panda