Ooh! Oooh!! Ooooh!!!

Look! Do you see what I see?

Could it be possible? I'm nearly sure... those ears... that nose... those beautiful eyes...

Don't you think it could be Him? And that he's escaped his cruel captivity?

I'm bouncing off the walls, I'm so excited! I'm going exploring now!

So excited,

PS Panda

Paffeh'ik Loosahs

Look at this:


Did you ever see anything so childish? So dirty-minded? So totally lacking in wit, humour or guile?

They're dead, and they don't even know it yet.

Scornfully,

PS Panda

It's Traditional, I suppose

So I'm tolerating a Christmas Truce this year. Enjoy it while you can, Brown Bears! The coming twelve months will be long, arduous and bloody.

And you will lose.

Resolute as ever,

PS Panda

I've Done All My Christmas Shopping

Yes, I just got a delivery of AK47s from eBay. All my friends are getting one tomorrow. All my enemies are getting a bullet (or two) in the head the day after.

Ho, ho, ho!

Belligerently,

PS Panda

Brrrr!

It's jolly well freezing here and I don't appreciate it.

I hope Lupin is somewhere warm. I sometimes wonder if I'm not losing sight of him altogether.

Wistful yet cold,

PS Panda

Good Morning!

Ah, yes, hello. Where was I? Oh yes, that's right. Leading a campaign. That's what it was.

Well good. Yes. Er. I ain't scared of no brown bear. Put 'em in the microwave, that's what I say!

Ha-ha!

Anyway, we had a jolly good recruitment party last night. The bamboo wine flowed like, er, wine. Jolly Good.

Here's a picture of our latest warrior, Captain Puffin. Big up the respect, my bro's.


Time for more sausage stew. Right on. Let the challenge begin!

Good.

PS Panda

An Absolute Bloody Disgrace

My Friends,

You will remember yesterday's heartbreaking announcement of the loss of MN Panda. You wept with me, I am sure, at his sad fate.

Your tears, my loyal comrades, were all in vain. Please sit down on your bottoms while I reveal the shocking truth behind the news.

Here is a photo that was taken not fifteen minutes before the ghastly image I published yesterday:


Yes - you have guessed it. MN Panda was not gone before. He had not Fallen, a hero to the Cause.

He was sodden drunk.

And when he was dragged from the undergrowth and revived all he could say was, "I am Mister New Panda. This is what I do."

Well, I ask you! I had thought he was solid. I believed in him. But yet - look closer. Do you not see traces of brown about him? Does he not lack purity of monochromicity? Is he not, in fact, a mongrel?

I should have known.

Disgusted,

PS Panda

Greater Love Hath No Panda

But That He Lay Down His Life In Support Of The Cause.


MN Panda, We Honour You and Your Sacrifice. We Will Never Forget You.

And we will never cease from hunting down those who have done this dreadful deed. Crawl in fear, Brown Bears! Your Doom is near and comes daily closer.

Sorrowful, Yet Strong,

PS Panda

The Time Has Come

Yes, my comrades, at last we are ready to strike a blow for Black And White!

Many of you have already guessed the nature of our enemy. Some of you may not. Some of you may have an idea of his name. Most of you, I suspect, have not.

So let me open my heart to you. Let me share the secret that has been vouchsafed to me.

It was little more than a week ago - a mere twelve days - as I lay sleepless in my den, tossing and turning, tormented by thoughts of the sufferings my beautiful Lupin was undergoing at the paws of his captors, that I was the recipient of a Holy Vision. A Voice spake in my ear, and my eyes saw clearly and were not blinded by the Glory Of The Highest. The Voice spake unto me a Name, and mine Eyes received an Image.

Are you prepared? Do you see clearly? Is your hearing also acute? Then here is the information you have been craving:

This is he whom we seek:

Mark this visage well. Note the vicious criminal cast of its features. Seek it out, even as it repels you with its gross ugliness. And know ye this name:

UNCLE FRED BEAR

Yes, it sounds innocent, does it not? So too, no doubt, did the name of Professor Moriarty strike the unschooled masses of Sherlock Holmes' London. But be not deceived. Just as Moriarty was the Napoleon Of Crime, so is this... bear the worst, the most evil, the most depraved of creatures. Seek him out, I say, for where he is will you also find the jewel in the crown of Pandadom - dear Lupin himself.

Be careful, my friends, for this animal is cunning and crafty in the ways of his kind. He will try to fool you with honeyed words. He will dissemble and pretend innocence. But you, I know, will see through his every stratagem and divine the wickedness that writhes and coils within his perverted mind.

Now go forth! My trust is in you. My thoughts will follow you wherever you go; yeah, even unto the darkest places of the deepest depths of brown bear depravity.

I am praying for you constantly,

PS Panda

PURPLEBOWTIE SPECIAL - THE RALLY

You will have read PS Panda's inspiring address to his people. Now, only on purplebowtie.com, here are dramatic photographs of this epoch-making event, brought to you in glorious monochrome!

We hear you, PS Panda!

All our ears are yours, beloved PSP!

The Honour Guard

Adoration Of The Young Pandas

Our Great Leader, Blessed Be His Name


If the Pandas are United,
They will never,
Be divided!!!


All Hail PS Panda!

This Is Not My Fault

I did not order this act. Let that be clearly understood.

However, it is no surprise to me that some members of the Monochrome Brigade, fired with righteous anger, have decided to, completely on their own initiative of course, strike a telling blow against our enemy. I am sure that you all can find that anger
within your own hearts and feel its blazing heat surging through your veins. I am sure that many of you rejoice to see a foe suffer the consequences of his fellows' evil deeds.

We all want vengeance. We share a common purpose. But wait, my friends. Soon I will make our strategy crystal clear to all. Soon I will name our target. Soon we will move forward.

But we will move united, my friends. We will strike when the time is right, and not before.

Resolute,

PS Panda

No Chance!

I received this pathetic little epistle today:

Orl rite. Ave it ur way. He's not worf nuffink much anyway. A tennor and teh brat's yrs.

Too bloody late, sunshine! We're going to save Lupin AND whup your poo-encrusted tails till it hurts.

Vengefully,

PS Panda

Traitor!

Valentine Panda, I thought you were my friend.

Then my attention was drawn to the message you posted here while I was busy working towards the liberation of Lupin Panda.

I am ashamed of you. I thought we were solid. I trusted you. I thought we could trust one another. But this - this is too much. Let your punishment serve to warn our enemies AND our fair-weather friends. May your pain and despair serve due notice. We are Black And White. We will NOT be defeated.


Disgusted,

PS Panda

On The Brink

Valentine Panda here,

PS Panda has gone out to a rally. He is addressing the Monochrome Brigade at a secret location not far from here.

I should have gone with my friend; to stand next to him, to confirm my allegiance, to proclaim my pride in my black and white fur.

But... I cannot. Something is wrong - something to which I cannot yet give a name. I feel a deep unease, as if I were standing on the edge of an invisible precipice.

We all may make a mis-step and, so doing, fall to our doom and the destruction of our very souls.

Very worried,

Valentine Panda

The Movement Is Growing

Thank you to our southern friends for this message of support:



I couldn't have put it better myself!

Encouraged,

PS Panda

We Are Not Alone

Messages of support are starting to flood in. Here is just one that is typical of the many we have received:



"It is high time that someone spoke up for the monochrome community. We have been polite and subservient for much too long. It is time for action and we of the Polar Bear Nation are proud to join with our black and white comrades. La Lutte Continua!"

(signed)

Saskia Polar Bear

Our Manifest Destiny

Greetings, My Friends!

Yes, I count all of you who read this journal as my friends, with some exceptions which I will come to presently.

You know of the ongoing tragedy of Lupin Panda. You have shuddered with fear and disgust as the story of his disappearance unfolded before you and I.

You have been appalled at the outrageous demands made by his cubnappers. I must pause at this point to thank all those who have contributed to Lupin Panda's rescue fund. The offer of Greek currency was especially welcome.

You have been shaken to your very souls by the obscene photographs which I have received and, only after very careful thought, published in this journal. I make no apology for the horror you and your loved ones must have felt when you beheld them. There is such a thing as brutal reality. There is such a thing as naked evil. There is, my friends, such a thing as cruelty beyond belief.

We cannot spend all our lives in the dreamtime. WE MUST AWAKE!

I know that the revelation I am going to pass on to you will shock and alarm you. I make no apology for that either. Instead, let me ask you a question. What links us all?

The orca, roaming his northern seas?
The penguin, in his Antarctic home?
The jackdaw, cawing in his English skies?
The puffin, clustered on his Caledonian isle?
The zebra, tribal-strong under an African heaven of cerulean blue?
The Holstein cow, gravid with nourishment in a misty Hampshire meadow?
And the giant panda, serene in his grove of succulent bamboo?

I am sure that you have divined my meaning. We are, all of us, proud in our blazure of black and white. We all salute the Sacred Cross of Saint Piran. We are the smartest, the most self-assured, the most hard-working, the most beautiful of all the creatures on this earth.

And we know who our enemies are.

They are among us. They are everywhere we go. We know them, for they are not like us. They envy us, my friends. How can they look upon our glory and not be jealous of us?

They carry a hatred in their hearts. It is a canker that will not die. They are ever seeking ways to do us down.

And so they have reached into the soul of our monochrome community and taken from it our most precious jewel. Lupin Panda - my beloved Lupin.

Do I need to spell it out? Do I need to go any further? I think not. We all know our foe; who he is and where he lives. We can smell him.

Go forth, my friends! There is a battle to be fought; and a glorious victory to be won!

It Won't Be Long Now

Hang on Lupin! Help is at paw.

Prepared,

PS Panda

I've Been Thinking

Val Panda says I should try not to let the plight of poor dear Lupin dominate my thoughts but I can't do that. I just can't.

I've had a lot of time to think; while sitting on the bus or in the quiet hours of the early morning. And slowly, quietly, but insistently a tiny suspicion has hardened up and become a certainty.

You see, I know who has taken Lupin from me. I know it for an absolute fact. It is a diamond-hard glittering truth in my mind.

And now I know who is to blame for this terrible crime I am ready to take action. Whatever it takes, I will do it. I have no fear.

Increasingly incandescent,

PS Panda

Don't Give Up

Dearest PSP,

Lupin Panda here. This is just a quick note to let you know that I am well and looking forward to seeing you again soon.

I am being well treated, but it is cold and lonely and boring here and I want my big cuddly PS Panda very badly.

All my love,

Lupin Panda

This Is Awful

Valentine Panda here. PS Panda is having hysterics. I think he's entering a fugue state. And all because someone slipped this photo under the door:


How could anybody be so heartless?

Deeply upset,

Valentine Panda

Keeping Positive

Could it be? Yes it could,
Something's coming, something good...

I can feel it in my water. I'm working hard, I'm saving steadily, and soon I'll have enough money to rescue dear Lupin from his kidnappers.

Maybe this week!

In anticipation,

PS Panda

Up

I feel quite unreasonably positive and optimistic today. I don't don't why.

Oh. That's got me worried.

Uncertain,

PS Panda

All Is Not Yet Lost

I received this picture in the post just before I set out for my job:



So now I know Lupin was alive on Wednesday. It's such a relief. Do you think he looks all right? I worry that he isn't eating properly. Just keep on keeping on; that's what I tell myself. And Lupin - we'll be together again soon, I promise!

Reassured,

PS Panda

He's Doing His Best

Hello,

Valentine here, speaking for PSP. He can't be here today because he's out working to try to make enough money to save poor little Lupin Panda from his kidnappers.

PSP was up at 04:00 this morning on his paper round and now he's gone out to his day job stacking shelves at Iceland in Reading. He'll be doing a full shift of bar work this evening.

I'm sure you'll understand and be inspired by PSP's devotion to his friend. I would also like to add that if you could find it in your hearts to contribute any financial help you can afford in this time of trial you would earn the undying gratitude of all Pandakind.

Yours ever,

Valentine Panda

I Feel Sick To My Stomach

Just look at what came in the post this morning:


Hang on, Lupin. I'm doing all I can to save you.

With gritted teeth,

PS Panda

I Surrender

All right. I'll see what I can do. But you've got to give me time. I'll get the money even if I have to sell myself in the Market Place to do it.

Hold on, Lupin!

Determinedly,

PS Panda

No! No!! NO!!!

I'm haven't got fifty pounds. I don't know where to find fifty pounds. What can I do?

Please be merciful.

Distraught,

PS Panda

No News

The title says it all.

Uninformed,

PS Panda

Please, has anybody seen this panda?

He's only a cub. He's young and vulnerable and I'm becoming frightened about him.

If you have seen this panda, please please please let me know. And Lupin, if you read this - come home. Nobody is cross with you. We only want to know that you are safe.

Increasingly frantic,

PS Panda

Lost?

Where is Lupin? I haven't seen him for a couple of days. I do hope nothing has happened...

Slightly uneasy,

PS Panda

Dear Lupin

As the days pass I find I'm getting to like young Lupin Panda more and more. He's such a cheerful little chap.

Affectionately,

PS Panda

Quack? Cluck?? Squawk???

They came back this morning with an object. It's small, soft, yellow and white, and it's got what I think is known in common parlance as a beak though it hasn't (as yet) said anything.

They've been maundering on about a tortoise or, at any rate, someone called Shelley who apparently was married to someone who wrote a novel which sounds a bit Gothick. Or thick, anyway.

Perplexed,

PS Panda

Hoorah! Hooray!

A new panda has come to stay!

His name is Lupin Panda, and he's only little and he's from Korea.

I can't wait to make friends with him!

Excitedly,

PS Panda

Brutes!

They - I'm sure you know who I mean - have been to see my friend Hugo Panda and, by all accounts, they weren't very nice to him.

He says, and I see no reason to disbelieve him, that at one point they picked him up by his ears. And nearly let him fall downstairs. And bamboo knows what else.

Is there no limit to monkey cruelty?

Perturbed,

PS Panda

What's Going On?

The humans came back from Bracknell this morning with a mysterious carrier bag. They looked at me, chattered and giggled in that silly monkey way they have, and then hid the bag in the top of the wardrobe.

They think I can't reach that high. Let's just let them carry on thinking that, shall we?

Investigatorily,

PS Panda

Imaginary Me

I'm going virtual today. Look out for me in the cybersphere.

Phantasmagorically,

PS Panda

What Smashing Weather!

It's so sunny and warm I nearly got out the lounger and caught myself some rays.

But I didn't. A good thing really, as I don't want my white fur to turn brown.

Cautiously,

PS Panda

Ding-Dong

I can hear the bells of All Saints church ringing, even though the den windows are closed against a chilly morning.

It's a cheerful sound, although of no direct significance to a Buddhist-Confucian-Zoroastrian-Sausageist such as myself.

Ecumenically,

PS Panda

The Joy Of Blogging

I've become aware that I'm meant to be saying things like:

"OMFG!1!!!!! PANDA'S ARE FTW!!!!1 TEH MONKIES SUK ROX!1!11! STFU!!!1!"

Or:

"My life is liek meaningless. Blackness covers all. I hate my 'rents."

Apparently this is what blogs are for.

But I don't think I will. Move along now. Nothing to see here.

Unorthodoxly,

PS Panda

Too Fat To Fight

I read that the army, faced with increasingly obese wannabe recruits, has raised its entry BMI limit from 28 to 32.

It's a good thing I never applied to join the Royal Greenjackets. I'd have been altogether the wrong shape for the ranks even though I am, I'm sure you'll agree, a fine figure of a panda.

Ponderously,

PS Panda

What Am I Listening To Today?

I'm in a vinyl mood, it seems, and I've decided I'd like to hear some 80s art-rock, in the form of Japan's Tin Drum.

It's groovy stuff, full of rattly percussion, smooth fretless bass, innovative Prophet 5 polysynth sounds and the voice of the most beautiful man in England - David Sylvian. He really knows what to do with a pair of chopsticks!

Funkily,

PS Panda

A Badge Of Honour?

I read this morning that the award of an Anti Social Behaviour Order (ASBO) is regarded by the anthropoid youth as a necessary rite of passage on the path to full-blown monkeyhood.

Pah! The branch-swingers don't know they're born. All they know how to do is run around shouting, get hammered on Special Brew, pee on the wall and have their collars felt. Me, I've stood on my forepaws and marked my territory in hundreds of places and never been had up over it.

Who's smarter, eh? You, for getting caught, or me for getting away with it?

Smugly,

PS Panda

What Am I Reading Today?

Here I am, absorbing the latest volume of dear Uncle Alan Bennetts's memoirs. It's quite good, although I'm not sure I understand it all. I don't know if this is because I've never been to Oxbridge or whether I should have been born in Leeds.

Wryly,

PS Panda

Not At All Scary

Nobody knocked on the door of my den tonight and demanded sweets in exchange for not frightening me.

Why on earth not? Is it that they know I don't frighten easily?

Puzzled,

PS Panda

The Price Of Liberty

My friend Val says if you've nothing to hide you've nothing to fear and he doesn't mind my hanging out with him and sharing his secrets.

He still won't tell me where he keeps his cache of sausages, though.

Suspiciously,

PS Panda

Behave Yourselves

Or I'm sending the boys round:


Your friendly neighbourhood,

PS Panda

Not A Good Night

I ended up on the floor again. It was hard and cold. I suppose they thought I wouldn't mind.

Stiffly,

PS Panda

In Despair

It's past 11 o'clock and nothing has happened. Obviously nothing is going to happen. I could crawl away into a corner and cry, but what good would that do? The situation has gone beyond tears. I have never felt so unwanted in my life, not even when I was sitting on Texaco's shelf.

Bitterly disappointed,

PS Panda

Well?

I'm losing patience.

Come on humans, cough up. Card. Present. Party. Now.

Warningly,

PS Panda

Still Waiting

I'm getting a little anxious. Where are my cards? Where are my presents? And where, oh where, is my party?

Worried,

PS Panda

Three At Last

Oh frabjous day, calloo, callay,
This Sunday is my third birthday!

Let rejoicing be universal! Free sausages for all! Set up the jelly and custard fountains! Fun, fun, fun!

But... why haven't I received any cards yet? Or presents?

Possibly my presents will turn up later. After all, I am already extremely privileged in so far as this special day of mine is special in another way, being twenty-five hours long. Very appropriate I think, as it takes a wider span than usual to accommodate my generously expansive figure. Do my humans realise this? Are they doing anything about it? Taking action, as it were, action being the very thing these busy monkeys are so proud of (and about which they are so condescending to me and my brothers and sisters).

We shall see. We shall see.

In anticipation,

PS Panda

My Family

Good Saturday, humans and bears!

Although this is a blog - and blogs are traditionally (if such a word can be used of so new a medium even though the form it strives to replace - the diary - is ages old) places of self-revelation, not to mention angst - it is not my intention to spill all the beans, as it were (and beans do not, at any rate, form a regular part of my diet, excessive flatulence being one of the rather less welcome parts of the ursine genetic inheritance) by laying out my life on a plate, so to speak, for you to consume - or not - at your leisure.

So, dear readers, I am not about to expound autobiographically on my cubhood (which, were it only more widely known, is still only three-quarters run) or pass on titbits or, you might say, gobbets of information about my parents, relations and ancestors.

Instead, let me show you a family photo - which is to say a photo of a member of my family rather than the whole shebang which would, after all, be rather too large to fit on the computer screen which one might reasonably expect to find on the desk of any respectable home, or den. No; rather than that I would like to set out more modestly, with a picture of one of my many cousins:

Yes, I'm aware that my graceful form also features in this photo. I can assure you that the reason for this is perfectly simple and straightforward and that I am not - and have never been - an egotist. The subject of eggs is one that is quite foreign to me. It is simply to assure you that my red bow tied friend is indeed an acquaintance of mine and not some poor random creature snatched from his forest home by a ruthless wildlife photographer.

I shall not object in the slightest if you decide to adorn your escritoire or armoire with a copy of my photograph. In fact, I should be more than happy to furnish you with my autograph on request. Not for nothing are we pandas equipped with an opposed thumb! If not, of course, for the holding of pens, pencils or other scribing tools.

With my very best wishes,

PS Panda

Greetings!

And welcome! More will surely follow. Meanwhile you can admire my photo. Gosh, I'm good-looking!

Your own,

PS Panda